Pin Up Of The Week - October 7th, 2011

Okay, the leaves are changing colors. Summer is officially gone.

I will kiss it goodbye with this super adorable pin up and her puppy playing croquet by Edward D'Ancona.

So long sweet summer! And hello fall and Starbucks caramel apple spice!!!

Ups and Downs.

To paraphrase, N and I have been through so much in the last (exactly) 126 days since our first date.

 

We fell in love. Amazing. Need I say more?

 

We missed each other when we were apart. We reveled in the moments we had together. We made love. We laughed. We learned about each other. We grew...

 

We took a very un-planned, take it as it comes, trip to New Orleans for a week. We had an amazing love nest at a bed and breakfast called The Chimes. We ate amazing food, explored the city, got lost while holding hands, met some interesting people... and made love. A lot. When we were in New Orleans I had a dream. A very vivid dream. In my dream N and I were together, everything was perfect until I told him I was pregnant. "Dream N" freaked out, called me a slut, and then left me for his ex. I woke up crying and shaking, and N was there to comfort me. I told him about my dream and he laughed and told me I was being silly. I wasn't pregnant, wouldn't get pregnant, and if I was... he'd never be upset or leave me because of it. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. So many times when I dream, it comes true. Was this dream another one of those??

 

We came home and I just had this weird feeling... something I couldn't shake... that I was pregnant. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to know.

 

A week after New Orleans, we found out I was pregnant. At first I was in shock, and then disbelief, and then I completely rejected the truth. How could this have happened?? I was taking the pill. I also got the shot. How on earth did this happen?? According to my doctor, plain dumb luck!! Literally, one in a million. “Gee, lucky me” I thought. Seriously, this was not supposed to be happening to us. N was still an FO. We just started dating. Yes, we loved each other... but was love enough? Were we ready? So many things were just not in place. He was living with his brother (who seriously owns the bachelor pad of all bachelor pads) in Oshkosh, and I was an hour away with two fighting roommates in Green Bay! You sort of need a place to put a baby… Things couldn’t have been more wrong.

 

A few weeks after those two little blue lines showed up, we had both gotten over the shock of "Omg, this is sooooo not supposed to happen when you use two forms of birth control". We really started to be happy. We started to realize God lets things happen for a reason. N really started to love the idea of being a dad, and knowing it wasn't just going to be something that happened to "other people". I started to bond with our baby. I touched my belly. I gave up sushi and my beloved red wine. N would lay with me at night and tell me how excited he was that I was having his baby. In fact, I think he fell more in love with me because of it. And for some reason... he was more attracted to me? (are all men this strange?) Something about how N looked at me made me feel so sexy, even though I was already putting on baby weight. I've never felt more attracted to him and beautiful in his eyes.

 

N also started house shopping. He stepped up and really showed me who he was. He didn’t question it. He just became the man I needed. N included me in the process and really made sure I was involved. Things were really starting to look up. We were house shopping, we were excited, and we were in love… with each other and with our baby. (Btw, N is closing on the house somewhere around the 11^th of this month and we are SO excited! He asked me to move in, and I think it will be great to be together full time when he’s home. Here are some snap shots of the house… the cook in me is extremely excited about the kitchen!)

My glorious new kitchen.

Living room.

Master.

 

Then I started bleeding and cramping. At first it was just a little, but over the next few weeks the bleeding got heavier and the cramping was more painful. I clung to my belly and prayed. I whispered pleas late at night while I lay curled in a ball. "Grow baby, please grow. I want to meet you. I love you, please grow." I saw my doctor and he said it was too early to hear a heartbeat, and it was probably just my body adjusting. He assured me spotting and cramping was normal. We made an appointment for me to come back at 10 weeks to hear the heartbeat. I should have felt better when I left, but I didn’t.

 

The bleeding and the cramping continued. I hid most of my fear from N. He knew I was having problems, he knew there was a chance I may not be able to have our baby… but I tried to keep him from seeing how scared I was. I tried to keep faith God knew what was right. I prayed, and continued with my life like I was having our baby. I laid in bed every night and talked to our baby, and N still kissed my belly every chance he had (when he got home, when he left, when we went to bed, when I left for work, and just because). We would lay together and he would hold his hand over where our baby was and just repeat in awe “I can’t believe it’s in there!”. I couldn’t bear to tell him just how serious the situation was and how scared I was our baby wasn’t going to survive.

 

I was about 9 weeks at this point… N was gone flying. It was very late at night when I woke up with very severe cramping. I don’t know how to say this without over sharing and sounding gross… I passed a clot. A very large clot.

 

Something was wrong.

 

I told N in the morning. He was worried, but (as he always does) comforted me and told me he would be home soon and to please wait for him. He wanted to be there for the appointment to hear the heartbeat. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I didn’t want him to hurt, and I didn’t want him to sit there expecting to hear the sound of life and instead hear the silence of our unborn baby. I told him it was okay and I’d go alone. I told him I wouldn’t listen to it either. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay… if the doctor said there were a heartbeat, we’d go back and experience it together.

 

There was no heartbeat.

 

My doctor said the baby had stopped growing at about 8 and a half weeks. Now, my body was just trying it’s best to force out the tissue. Everything went blank. I couldn’t feel anything but emptiness and the harsh reality of our baby’s death slapping me in the face. N was going to be heartbroken. My doctor was talking about options but I couldn’t focus. He started talking natural miscarriage, versus medical, versus surgical. D&C or natural miscarriage seemed to be his favorite options… I just wanted to move on. The idea of our dead baby sitting inside me… I just couldn’t do it any longer. I scheduled the appointment and started counting down the moments to a fresh start.

 

The drive from Appleton to Oshkosh seemed to take forever, but I don’t remember a moment. Walking into the house and telling N was the most painful thing I’ve done in my life, but N… he was so calm. He just took me in his arms and let me cry. He let me hurt and never showed any weakness. (N later told me after I left he finally broke down and cried) He’s such a rock. The world could literally collapse around him, and it probably wouldn’t faze him. Its sounds so cliché, but I truly don’t know what I would have done without him.

 

N left to go to work, and I had the procedure.

 

It’s been a month and in the time since I’ve had ups and downs. I had moments where I wanted to try again, no matter what. Moments where I missed the feel of something growing inside me and wanted the connection back with N. Then I had moments of “You idiot! Wait! Get engaged, then married, and then have babies. Wait until he makes Captain and you’re MUCH more prepared. Hell, just let yourself heal emotionally…” N is struggling too. He’s had his moments where “let’s try again”s come out but they are always quickly corrected with “maybe we should wait”. We both had a “holy shit we need to try again a.s.a.p.” moment when my doctor though my sudden hemorrhage style bleeding was a sign I was on the road to infertility, but it turns out it was merely “retained pregnancy tissue” which was a total fucking idiotic mistake on my doctor’s part. So yes, in one day we went from thinking I would never be able to have children, to realizing my doctor is just a moron (yes, I will be finding a new one). Ups and downs. That’s been our life the last month.

 

One big up has happened through all of this. N let it slip he was thinking about purchasing a “sparkly” (sparkly = engagement ring) in the next 6 months-ish. Woah. Yes, we’d be dating less than a year when he popped the question. Initially, this completely caught me off guard. (N's last relationship was 5 years long and with another pilot. Deep down he knew things would never work out, but still he stuck around and even considered marrying her. Knowing the past timeline, I had prepared myself for the looooooong haul) Now… I’m pretty excited. For the first time in my life I am with someone who just might be more ready than I am to settle down. I’m not complaining. It still completely blows my mind... someone as talented, intelligent, kind, and all around wonderful as N loves me. Really loves me. Me. With all my imperfections, and flaws, and quirks. N loves me. Some days I still stand in awe at how blessed I am to have someone like N in my life. I've experienced so many ups and downs in life, and in love, and through it all I come out having found the most incredible person. And to think I might spend the rest of my life with him? I'm completely humbled and in awe. God truly is good.

 

N and I made it through one of the hardest things a couple can experience. We’re more in love now than ever before. I’m pretty sure we can make it through anything after the rollercoaster we’ve experienced the last few months. Now, we’re just going to look up and keep moving forward to the amazing future we have in store together. I stumbled across this quote recently and it hit home for me. Maybe because I'm now dating a pilot, or maybe because of what we've experienced lately...

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." - Henry Ford

I do love this quote, and I know no matter what life throws at us... N and I will rise above it together.

Well… here it is. The start of something new.

I started this blog mostly because I need something to occupy my time with when N is off “playing airplane”, but also to document my experiences as a pilots’ girlfriend. In our short time together we’ve already been through so much. Hopefully someday another woman will stumble across my blog when she Googles “I’m a pilot’s girlfriend”. Maybe she’ll learn from me like I’ve been learning from the many pilots’ wive’s blogs I’ve stumbled across recently. Someday my blog might give hope to those girlfriends out there who wonder “can I really do this?”. Until then, I figured it might be best to start all the way back at the beginning.

N and I met about 4 months ago on eHarmony. The whole eHarmony thing is an issue entirely to itself… Initially I found the whole concept of eHarmony, and “paying to find love”, ridiculous. I never wanted to join. In fact, I refused to join. Then a friend purchased me a three month membership, and helped me write and set up my profile. I promised her my hardened frigid-biotch heart would give this whole online dating thing a try… for three months. Then I was done.

I sifted through dud after dud, and then along came N. His smile was what got me. Genuine, and warm. He doesn’t just smile with his mouth, his eyes smile too… and there was one picture in particular, one of him in uniform that caught my eye. It looked sort of like this... but this is not "the picture".

Hubba hubba. Yes, ladies… a uniform! I think I almost squealed with delight when I saw it. Then my eyes darted down to occupation. “Okay, he’s a pilot” I thought and shrugged. Not a big deal, he flies planes (little did I know). I read the rest of his profile and really liked what he put out there. He liked old black and white movies, enjoyed motorcycles, and was a dog person. He used proper grammar and really seemed to be quite intelligent. “What the heck?” I figured. I sent a message fully expecting that “someone like him” would never be interested in “someone like me”. **I’ll drop back on this whole idea of “someone like me” later** But lo and behold… I got a message back. He was adorable and sweet from the get go, and the date was set. He was home from flying over Memorial Day weekend, and we were going to get coffee. Harmless, right?

Memorial Day came. At the last minute I was invited to an All American photo shoot in honor of Memorial Day, and got all dolled up in my best pin-up style. Oh yes, pin-up. Red lipstick, fake lashes… the whoooooole works. Of course, I totally thought how unnatural this was once I had reached the coffee shop. At around this time I also realized the dress I was wearing was perfect when standing still at photo shoots but catastrophic when combined with my slightly large chest region and any sort of normal movement. Thank God my car doubles as a wardrobe and I happened to have a black sweater handy!! I pulled myself together and, running 30 minutes late, walked into the coffee shop.

There he was. I remember this moment perfectly because my heart did flip-flops when he looked up and smiled. My God… I fell in love with his smile and I’m still in love with it today. Most of the date was a blur with the exception of a few moments. Most notably was when I spilled his huuuuuuge steaming hot Americano all over. I jumped up attempting to avoid the rush of scalding hot coffee, and uttered a few choice words (to this day I will swear I said “shoot” but deep down we all know the truth).  My cheeks blazing red, I hurried completely and totally embarrassed back inside to purchase him a replacement. N probably sat there smirking and finding it adorable how flustered I was. At this point, I was really wishing the coffee shop had a back door I could run out. I ruined a pair of adorable shoes, and probably stained the concrete outside Acoca, but gained a memory in our relationship I will cherish forever. And I’m sure glad I didn’t run out the back door because that day, I think, I had my last first kiss. Things were wrapping up. He had to meet his cousin, and I was late for my Gramps birthday celebration. He had me feel shaky and nervous the whole time and I didn’t think I could stand up without fainting... “Don’t worry about it. You go. I’m just going to hang here for a bit.” I said and waved him off to meet his cousin. He took one step, then turned around, leaned over me, put one hand behind my head and gave me the most perfect, earth- shattering, only people in this room, I-think-it-might-take-me-a-week-to-start-breathing, first kiss. This kiss… it was magic. It was perfect. It was everything I could have ever expected a kiss to be. Imagine your perfect kiss. That was it, but just for me. We kissed for what seemed like seconds (but probably made the entire coffee shop nauseous) and slowly were able to pull ourselves apart and say goodbye. Once he had left, I sat in that tiny uncomfortable chair smiling like an idiot and thanking God for the person who invented eHarmony, allowing me to be open to something new, and for leading me to the moment I just had with N.

We dated. Every time he wasn’t “playing airplane” he always made time for me. I live with two people (a guy and a girl) up in Green Bay, and he’s living temporarily with his brother down in Oshkosh. With an hour between us, spending time together was pretty much dinner and a movie. And kissing, if I was lucky. Soon I started going down to his brother’s house and making dinner. We’re confined to a very small kitchen and his room, but it’s out of the way of my super nosey and incredibly obnoxious soon to be ex-roommates (whom I love dearly, seriously). Our time together is so incredibly precious that I don’t care if it’s in a cardboard box!! Any time with N is good time in my books.

Anyone who knows me knows I don’t fall in love easily. I’ve had my heart broken. I’ve been used. I’ve been a live in girlfriend with all the perks of a wife and none of the commitment. Yes I like to make people happy, and I’m a “pleaser”, but anyone who knows me knows I wasn’t in a rush for “live in girlfriend” to happen again. N is different. N makes me want to give him everything. If N simply sat there for the rest of his life and let me make him happy… I’d be complete. I love spending time with him. If I can make him smile, I light up inside. I love N.

I came to this realization much earlier than I would have expected. A few weeks into knowing N, it almost slipped out. A simple phone conversation would have gotten really awkward if “I love you” would have slipped out at the end. I’m so conditioned to do this with anyone close in my life. My parents, my grandparents, my little sisters, friends… and now apparently, N. I caught myself but it got me thinking… did I really love him? I knew the answer, but I was too scared to admit it. Even to myself. Then there we were. Lying in bed after… well, that’s personal… I asked him what he was thinking and he got evasive. I’m a pretty persistent (translation: nosey) person so I kept at it. I pouted. I begged. I acted defiant. He claimed whatever he didn’t want to tell me was something he didn’t know how to say. “Just spit it out!” I said “say whatever comes out first”. I sat there. My eyes imploring he tell me just what was going on in that brain of his.

“I love you.”

The world stopped. Like our first kiss it was just N and I. I couldn’t breathe. My head started to feel light. I literally couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I struggled to get my breathing in check and pull out the words “I’m absolutely crazy in love with you too and I have no idea how, or why, or what happened, but I LOVE YOU too”. Instead I just sat there probably looking like a deer in headlights. I could see him trying to control his breathing and his lip was twitching ever so slightly. His eyes were searching my face for some sign of life, or even mental function. Yet there I was. Dumbfounded someone as incredible as N could possibly love me. When I was finally able to string words together coherently I told him I loved him too. In fact, I had for a while but didn’t know how to say it.


We spent the rest of the curled up talking and laughing. All the while I was thinking about us and the life we could have. In that moment I knew how incredible it would be to spend my life with him. I knew I would only have him part of the time… but in that moment I knew I wanted him no matter what.