Ups and Downs.

To paraphrase, N and I have been through so much in the last (exactly) 126 days since our first date.

 

We fell in love. Amazing. Need I say more?

 

We missed each other when we were apart. We reveled in the moments we had together. We made love. We laughed. We learned about each other. We grew...

 

We took a very un-planned, take it as it comes, trip to New Orleans for a week. We had an amazing love nest at a bed and breakfast called The Chimes. We ate amazing food, explored the city, got lost while holding hands, met some interesting people... and made love. A lot. When we were in New Orleans I had a dream. A very vivid dream. In my dream N and I were together, everything was perfect until I told him I was pregnant. "Dream N" freaked out, called me a slut, and then left me for his ex. I woke up crying and shaking, and N was there to comfort me. I told him about my dream and he laughed and told me I was being silly. I wasn't pregnant, wouldn't get pregnant, and if I was... he'd never be upset or leave me because of it. Still, I couldn't stop thinking about this dream. So many times when I dream, it comes true. Was this dream another one of those??

 

We came home and I just had this weird feeling... something I couldn't shake... that I was pregnant. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I had to know.

 

A week after New Orleans, we found out I was pregnant. At first I was in shock, and then disbelief, and then I completely rejected the truth. How could this have happened?? I was taking the pill. I also got the shot. How on earth did this happen?? According to my doctor, plain dumb luck!! Literally, one in a million. “Gee, lucky me” I thought. Seriously, this was not supposed to be happening to us. N was still an FO. We just started dating. Yes, we loved each other... but was love enough? Were we ready? So many things were just not in place. He was living with his brother (who seriously owns the bachelor pad of all bachelor pads) in Oshkosh, and I was an hour away with two fighting roommates in Green Bay! You sort of need a place to put a baby… Things couldn’t have been more wrong.

 

A few weeks after those two little blue lines showed up, we had both gotten over the shock of "Omg, this is sooooo not supposed to happen when you use two forms of birth control". We really started to be happy. We started to realize God lets things happen for a reason. N really started to love the idea of being a dad, and knowing it wasn't just going to be something that happened to "other people". I started to bond with our baby. I touched my belly. I gave up sushi and my beloved red wine. N would lay with me at night and tell me how excited he was that I was having his baby. In fact, I think he fell more in love with me because of it. And for some reason... he was more attracted to me? (are all men this strange?) Something about how N looked at me made me feel so sexy, even though I was already putting on baby weight. I've never felt more attracted to him and beautiful in his eyes.

 

N also started house shopping. He stepped up and really showed me who he was. He didn’t question it. He just became the man I needed. N included me in the process and really made sure I was involved. Things were really starting to look up. We were house shopping, we were excited, and we were in love… with each other and with our baby. (Btw, N is closing on the house somewhere around the 11^th of this month and we are SO excited! He asked me to move in, and I think it will be great to be together full time when he’s home. Here are some snap shots of the house… the cook in me is extremely excited about the kitchen!)

My glorious new kitchen.

Living room.

Master.

 

Then I started bleeding and cramping. At first it was just a little, but over the next few weeks the bleeding got heavier and the cramping was more painful. I clung to my belly and prayed. I whispered pleas late at night while I lay curled in a ball. "Grow baby, please grow. I want to meet you. I love you, please grow." I saw my doctor and he said it was too early to hear a heartbeat, and it was probably just my body adjusting. He assured me spotting and cramping was normal. We made an appointment for me to come back at 10 weeks to hear the heartbeat. I should have felt better when I left, but I didn’t.

 

The bleeding and the cramping continued. I hid most of my fear from N. He knew I was having problems, he knew there was a chance I may not be able to have our baby… but I tried to keep him from seeing how scared I was. I tried to keep faith God knew what was right. I prayed, and continued with my life like I was having our baby. I laid in bed every night and talked to our baby, and N still kissed my belly every chance he had (when he got home, when he left, when we went to bed, when I left for work, and just because). We would lay together and he would hold his hand over where our baby was and just repeat in awe “I can’t believe it’s in there!”. I couldn’t bear to tell him just how serious the situation was and how scared I was our baby wasn’t going to survive.

 

I was about 9 weeks at this point… N was gone flying. It was very late at night when I woke up with very severe cramping. I don’t know how to say this without over sharing and sounding gross… I passed a clot. A very large clot.

 

Something was wrong.

 

I told N in the morning. He was worried, but (as he always does) comforted me and told me he would be home soon and to please wait for him. He wanted to be there for the appointment to hear the heartbeat. I knew there wouldn’t be one. I didn’t want him to hurt, and I didn’t want him to sit there expecting to hear the sound of life and instead hear the silence of our unborn baby. I told him it was okay and I’d go alone. I told him I wouldn’t listen to it either. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay… if the doctor said there were a heartbeat, we’d go back and experience it together.

 

There was no heartbeat.

 

My doctor said the baby had stopped growing at about 8 and a half weeks. Now, my body was just trying it’s best to force out the tissue. Everything went blank. I couldn’t feel anything but emptiness and the harsh reality of our baby’s death slapping me in the face. N was going to be heartbroken. My doctor was talking about options but I couldn’t focus. He started talking natural miscarriage, versus medical, versus surgical. D&C or natural miscarriage seemed to be his favorite options… I just wanted to move on. The idea of our dead baby sitting inside me… I just couldn’t do it any longer. I scheduled the appointment and started counting down the moments to a fresh start.

 

The drive from Appleton to Oshkosh seemed to take forever, but I don’t remember a moment. Walking into the house and telling N was the most painful thing I’ve done in my life, but N… he was so calm. He just took me in his arms and let me cry. He let me hurt and never showed any weakness. (N later told me after I left he finally broke down and cried) He’s such a rock. The world could literally collapse around him, and it probably wouldn’t faze him. Its sounds so cliché, but I truly don’t know what I would have done without him.

 

N left to go to work, and I had the procedure.

 

It’s been a month and in the time since I’ve had ups and downs. I had moments where I wanted to try again, no matter what. Moments where I missed the feel of something growing inside me and wanted the connection back with N. Then I had moments of “You idiot! Wait! Get engaged, then married, and then have babies. Wait until he makes Captain and you’re MUCH more prepared. Hell, just let yourself heal emotionally…” N is struggling too. He’s had his moments where “let’s try again”s come out but they are always quickly corrected with “maybe we should wait”. We both had a “holy shit we need to try again a.s.a.p.” moment when my doctor though my sudden hemorrhage style bleeding was a sign I was on the road to infertility, but it turns out it was merely “retained pregnancy tissue” which was a total fucking idiotic mistake on my doctor’s part. So yes, in one day we went from thinking I would never be able to have children, to realizing my doctor is just a moron (yes, I will be finding a new one). Ups and downs. That’s been our life the last month.

 

One big up has happened through all of this. N let it slip he was thinking about purchasing a “sparkly” (sparkly = engagement ring) in the next 6 months-ish. Woah. Yes, we’d be dating less than a year when he popped the question. Initially, this completely caught me off guard. (N's last relationship was 5 years long and with another pilot. Deep down he knew things would never work out, but still he stuck around and even considered marrying her. Knowing the past timeline, I had prepared myself for the looooooong haul) Now… I’m pretty excited. For the first time in my life I am with someone who just might be more ready than I am to settle down. I’m not complaining. It still completely blows my mind... someone as talented, intelligent, kind, and all around wonderful as N loves me. Really loves me. Me. With all my imperfections, and flaws, and quirks. N loves me. Some days I still stand in awe at how blessed I am to have someone like N in my life. I've experienced so many ups and downs in life, and in love, and through it all I come out having found the most incredible person. And to think I might spend the rest of my life with him? I'm completely humbled and in awe. God truly is good.

 

N and I made it through one of the hardest things a couple can experience. We’re more in love now than ever before. I’m pretty sure we can make it through anything after the rollercoaster we’ve experienced the last few months. Now, we’re just going to look up and keep moving forward to the amazing future we have in store together. I stumbled across this quote recently and it hit home for me. Maybe because I'm now dating a pilot, or maybe because of what we've experienced lately...

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." - Henry Ford

I do love this quote, and I know no matter what life throws at us... N and I will rise above it together.